God?

Really. What could I do without God? Nothing.

But my faith is fading.

I wish I was the old me. Standing on the darkness within myself. Totally counting on it to keep living. In that way, at least I could be stronger inside and outside. Thinking that I don’t bother with anyone. I don’t give a damn about other people. They hurt me, I hurt them more.

People are so mean inside. A real human is only thinking about themselves only. Their nature is to hate other people, and that’s why I hate people back. But since I know God, I don’t hate no more. I strip my darkness upon His Cross, and I don’t know why I feel so fragile after that.

Lord, I give up.

After all my lies that I don’t need You no more, deep inside I’m crying to have Thee by my side.

And I know You won’t just give up on me.

Thank You so much, Lord. I love You always.

Am Tired to be hurt

Love.

How long I’ve waited for an exciting desire in my heart.
For the one that I will think about all the time.
For the one that I will give everything to.

I was empty at that time.
The feeling of longing someone out there.

But, when I found that someone,
I know I will be crushed into pieces.
Crying all my feeling,
In happy moments or in sad moments

There’s a saying,
‘It’s better to get rejected than not speak your feeling to the one you love’,
But I said otherwise,
It’s better to not speak your feeling than get rejected.

I have told everything that was kept in my heart to him,
I did everything I could to get his love,
But then I turn as a wounded animal.

I wish I didn't say all of that,
At least my wound wouldn't be this hurt.

I’m tired to get hurt, blistered, and everything.

I just want to be happy.

Have a peace in my mind and soul.


(Picture taken from HERE.)

My World after....

I feel like my world is tumbling down. My love has gone, and that and this, so many things that I can’t explain in here. I feel like my life is a big failure. Even my escapee from reality, which is love, is not there to comfort me, to console me. I know I still have people to care about me, but still, I can’t find my peace. The only thing I want is only him. Not anything else.

It’s all my fault.

It always be.

I know I was wrong, but I thought I could control everything coz’ everything was so easy for me, but not until now. It seems that everything I do is failing. All the time. My mom got enough of me. She thought me as a contageous virus. But I don’t blame her. It’s all my fault. And I don’t know what to do anymore.

They said I can count on God. I know they’re right, but sometimes it’s not enough for me. Well, I’m just human. We do sometimes don’t believe what we don’t see.

I am broken. Maybe it’s about time for me to rot in hell.

To not happy in my entire life.

But I don’t want people call me as a looser. I’m brave in heart. I have so many great talents.  But, I don’t use it well. I have abused God’s gift to me. So many many many His gift to me, but I throw it all, as if I’m a pig with pearls necklace. Totally useless. And I’m so ashamed. I don’t love myself anymore. I feel not precious. I’m desperate.

Please, God. If You do really care of me. If You do really want to help me. Send me one of Your divine angels. Tell Your angels to be by my side, whispering all those spirits, words, and all the bravery I need to my ears, so I can stand tough through all these shits. So I can be happy in my life. So I can know where I will go.

I’m sorry, God. I can’t stand all these burdens.
I’m sorry if I keep complaining.

(Picture take from HERE.)

I hate 'now'

To be honest, I'm in a state of hating myself right now.

I don't know. I think I'm starting to need an uncivilized world where we don't have to worry about school, job, money mostly. Then we live in a place full of tree, wild animals, and river. We hunt for food. We die for food also, lol.

Though It got me thinking, How do I live without electric company in a place like that? Precisely, how do I live without my laptop?

But, that's not the point. The point is, my life is quite kinda miserable. My date ditch me, and right now I'm bitching out.

Yeah, I pray a lil bit. Just a lil bit, but still no works done until now. My emotions control the chemistry inside my head and it's messy as if a bullet blow out my brain and I can't work. And I hate myself for that.

I am just that pathetic. Thinking about pathetic guy. In my pathetic life.

I mean, COME ON. Why can't I get over it?

Or is it maybe a curse of being a girl?

I just can't believe myself stuck like this. I totally have thousand--okay, this sound may so overeated, but yeah, I totally have so many friends in Planet Mars who are lot better than him. I actually have couple friends that I've been considered as my future 'special'. They got the whole package: brain, money, cute and very very very kind person (though I'm not sure whether they're 'kind' or not as a guy).

BUT WHY ON THE WORLD I CAN'T GET HIM OUTTA MY MIND?

He's way too far from my imaginary husband of the future. He's not that cute. He's not a foreigner. He doesn't have a blue eyes, blond hair. He's not tall. He's not that kind as a guy (but totally he's kind as a person). He's not my guy of my dream. But, God knows why I love him so much. And I actually don't wanna admit it at a time like this. No, I won't. He hurt me in every way. And now He totally ignoring me.

I hate him.

Darn, God WHY? WHY HIM?

So Misery

I feel so alone. At home. Alone
You out there. Having good time. In glamorous place.
Party. Laugh and more laugh perhaps.

I remember you said something last night.
Full anger and hurt, you said, "I'll let them know, I will have a girlfriend tomorrow."
And me, a fool honest-stupid-unwise girl replied, "Then....what about me?"

Tonight, I'm wondering where you are now.
What are you doing. Are you still thinking about last night? About me?
Do you still remember about your promise to meet me ASAP?

I wanna send you message, to get those answers, but my pride won't let me.

My heart still aching.
I cannot breathe today, thinking all my faults last night.

But you, at least get your release, and for the best, you're having great time.

Uh-well... then let me die alone in misery...

Without you....

My Darling

I think I want to give up now.
It's not because I'm like you who scared to hurt me and to be hurt.
I love you, you know that.
But I don't want to be your reason that makes your shine fading.

I always like you shining under the sun.
Glittering with the brightest smile on your face.

And when you're fading you ache my heart so much.
SO MUCH til I can't breath knowing the reason behind all that is me.

I can't handle this reality.

I just want you to be happy.
And that's the shape of my love for you.

I remember you once said, "Maybe God is trying to tell us that we're not meant to be together. And that's why we hurt each other."

I think you're right, darling.

I can't accept the fact that I'm the one who kill your smile.

I want you to be happily ever after.

Always.

What is Love?

I love him.
Everything about him.

I love his smile.
Love his radiant personality.
And his huge heart as well.

He said he liked me. Couple weeks ago.
And now, I should interpret his feelings by myself.
He got enough wounds because of me.
But he said he will always around for me.

And now how should I take his feeling?
I don't know.

But, one thing for sure, I still like him.
No.

I think I love him.